Friday, December 30, 2011

Blogging is hard

I suck cat it. George is gone. He's been adopted. I'll update that later. For now, pics of kittehs! (Also, Greybie has a formal name for the vet: Virginia Slims. Again, I'll get around to the story.)

These are just the kittehs doing what they do best. Being adorbs.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The only time that math is fun

How to substitute in baking

You guys. I don't make cakes with silly things like eggs or butter or milk or oil. That involves me going to the grocery store. Ever since I learned about Diet Coke cakes from Weight Watcher days, I've always substituted. I've never gone back. Except for making my sister's birthday cake because she is annoying and a purist and thinks Diet Coke cakes are ludicrous. Whateva.

Yes, my weight-watching, calorie-counting friends. You can substitute all the ingredients typically needed to make box cake mix with a diet soda. I swear! One 12-ounce can per box of mix. So when I'm making cupcakes just for me, I divide my box mix. Typical box mixes have 12 servings. 

So I take the weight of the mix (18.25 ozs) divided by the number of the servings (12).

18.25 / 12 = 1.520833333333-forever.

Then while I have that number in the calculator, I times that by the number of servings I want to make (I wanted to do six because I'm fat and will eat them all this weekend).

1.520833333333-forever x 6 = 9.125. 

Now you smarties out there are saying if I wanted half, just divide the weight by half. True. And that is actually what I did tonight. But I just wanted to show you how to divide it individually in case your stomach is smaller. Anyhoo, I have a food scale so I used that to measure out the amount of mix I needed.

When it comes to the diet soda, you use one 12-oz can per box mix. Which happens to serve 12 people. Convenient, right? Secret genius on the part of cake mix makers and soda makers. Thus, One ounce per one serving of cake mix.

1 x 6 = 6 (!!! I love My Dear Aunt Sally [If you don't know what that means, ask in the comments bc I'd love to know what you might possibly think it is.])

Mixa mixa, you make-a the cake-a. Bake as normal and enjoy the most delicious, moist cake you've ever tasted. And you just saved yourself 

([half a cup of veg oil, 960 cals] + [water, 0 cals] + [three eggs, 210 cals]) / [number of servings, 12])=

97.5 calories per serving!!!

Times that amazing number by the number of servings you're eating and I am saving

585 calories!!!

A normal box prepared "normally" is 3240 calories. A box prepared my way is

1020 calories!!!

Thus for half a cake, I am only eating

510 calories instead of 1620!!!

Now. The fact that I am eating half a cake is another issue for another day. :(

From the kitchen of Chef Monica: Bowlcakes

Bowlcakes? What is that, you ask? Oh, well you see. In Chef Monica's kitchen, nothing ever quite goes as planned. Not even cupcakes. :(

Looks gross, right? hehehe
I am an amazing chef. I have an extraordinary ability to combine random foods and come up with awesome ideas. My execution and ultimate product is perfection. Some people may disagree (cough cough sister), but ultimately everything will turn out ok.

In the past, I may have had some mishaps. Lemon bars made with pancake mix (Sister was out of flour and it seemed like a good substitution), July 4th lemon cake made with lemon pepper (what is the difference between grated lemon peel, dried lemon stuff in the spice rack, or lemon pepper in the spice rack? aren't they all lemon?), and Paula Deen's sweet potato balls (actually, I'm not sure what happened there. They just didn't come out... right. :[ ) to name a few. Whatever. Great chefs need to experiment.

So enter bowlcakes. There seem to always be barriers when I want to bake or cook, but I'm not one to let that stop me.

I wanted choco cake.

1. I do not have a cake pan for cooking cakes.
2. I always divide my box mix because I don't want a lot, just enough for tonight and maybe tomorrow. This means I have to do math. (Sister had to take my college math placement exams for me. lolz.)
3. Instead of measuring parts of an egg, I often just use the whole egg. This experiment has worked well in pancakes, but I've never cooked a cake this way. Since I really wanted the cake I didn't want to risk it. As well, I need to cut down the milk and oil. Boooooo-ring.
4. So, I use DIET COKE! Only this time, I didn't have Diet Coke. But I did have diet root beer! Substitution is my middle name.

5. So the bowlcakes come out of the muffin pan completely unconnected. As I try to take them out, they crumble and fall apart. But they were moist, so I pushed the cake into tiny bowl and smashed down.
6. Add store bought icing.
7. Eat and enjoy!

Someday I will do a post with all my amazing substitutions. Not only are they typically better calorie wise, but probs cheaper and easier to deal with than having to go to the grocery and buy fresh things like eggs and milk.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Will... It... Fit!

This is my favorite game. Every single morning. I need to start picking out my clothes the night before because I just don't have time for this stress before work. Doubly so if I pick door #2 and it doesn't fit.

Thank God for some reason I have a group of magic clothes. I thought for sure this skirt wouldn't fit. But I asked, Will it fit? Surprisingly... yes. I have no idea how. This skirt is a size 8 from Banana, like 10 years ago. Which means it's now a modern size 6 (at least). You guys know me and know that I'm nowhere near that size. No. Where. (See: Fashion Bug)

Anyhoodle, I'm very happy I can put this skirt into the keep pile to get me through my fatness until I'm my sister's size and we can share clothes!

Monday, October 24, 2011

Halloween kitteh

Watch "Pumpkin Vampire Kitty" on YouTube

Omgomgomgomg how cute is this cat? Eating out of a candy corn dish? In a halloween decorated house? Aggghhhhhaaagagahhh. I just died.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

To live the life of a cat

Chilling out on cushy pillows, blankets, underwear. What a life.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Itteh Bitteh Kitteh Committeh is in session

I'm upstairs, washing my face, brushing my teeth, putting on jams, and no kittehs are around me hanging out. I go to my room, check emails, do a bit of work, no kittehs. Where are they?
I go to the top of the stairs and ALL FIVE are below. In a row. Chilling out. They must be discussing the merits of Rimbaud versus Lorca.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


George and I have the same idea. We are one.

Monday, October 10, 2011

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

Have you ever wondered how you, too, can be fat? Let me tell you.

I am obsessed with milkshakes at the mo. I can't stop. I don't know what's wrong with me. Almost every night for the past week, I make a vanilla or mint choco shake. Because those are the two ice cream flavors I bought. All you need is milk and ice cream and you have a delicious milkshake. My whole thing is why "eat" my calories when I can drink them?

And FYI, adding cinnamon to a vanilla milkshake is a delight.

On a pleasant note. It's HALLOWEEN!!!!! Tonight's scary movie is Trick R Treat. There was a killing within 3 minutes or so. And that's how it should be.

OMG, I just looked down under my office chair. George and Greybie are lying facing each other. Holding hands. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh I can't take how cute they are. I can't take a pic bc my phone is dead but it's really really cute.

She's crafty, and she's just my type

The kittehs love feathers. They have eaten and destroyed all of their toys. So I was at the art store for school anyway and I picked up a bag of feathers.

With a little hot glue and yarn, their toys are back!

The kittehs did not make it easy. They kept stealing the feathers and yarn away from me. Jerks.

Then, tonight while I was waiting for my pizza to heat up (super vegetarian so it was only half bad, and I only had 3 pieces), I fixed Greybie's ball. She loves these fuzzy balls. Just like how dogs love those squeaky toys. She carries them around the house and brings one to bed every night. However, like dogs, she enjoys murdering her toys and gnawing out the innards. So rather than buy a new one, I took a fur carcass and a plastic bag (for the crinkle).

Then, with only 2 minutes left until the pizza was done, I roughly sewed it closed. I mean, it doesn't really matter since in a couple of weeks I'll find the dead ball under my pillow.

I threw it on the ground and in 2 seconds, Greybie had it.